12 Step Program for Mothers

“Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it.”

I often think that many people can use a “program”. A “program” refers to the 12 steps and is designed to help someone become less egotistical, find positive ways of coping with life and be a better person in general.

This blog article by Brooke Arellano in Crazy Mama Drama has a hysterical, and often relatable, take on the 12 steps, mother specific. I think you’ll both enjoy and get a good laugh out of this…

12 Steps of Crazy Mama Anonymous 
 
1.  I realize that I am powerless once I became a mother.  My kid is hungry, she has me running to the kitchen.  My little angel decides to shit her pants just as things are really heating up on Real Housewives.  Sucks for me (thank god for DVR), I’ve got some ass wiping to do.  I get it.  Powerless….my life is no longer my own.

2.  It is not only the miracle of birth that confirmed my belief in a high power.  Rather, the fact that I can make it through a day filled with: screaming for no reason, mustard colored diarrhea with chunks of carrots, finding Goldfish crackers in my bra (wtf?) and God damn Dora and Diego giving me vocab lessons in Spanish.  Yep, the fact that I am even somewhat sane confirms the presence of a higher power.

3.  I turn my life over to my daughter for one simple reason…I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. And, I love her and don’t want her to grow up to be a stripper or serial killer or one of those annoying telemarketers that refuse to take you off their “do not call” list.

4.  I have broken down and taken a moral inventory of myself: 
-I have a good heart. 
-The Magic Mommy Fairy didn’t direct her wand my way so I am on my own to learn all this mom stuff.
-I have a terrible potty mouth (the “colorful” language I use on any given day would make Jay- Z blush).
-I’m bitchy too many days out of the month to blame it on PMS.
-I am trying my best.

5.  I admit to my countless mom wrongs on a daily basis: 
I employ the 5 second rule when my daughter drops her pacifier; when I hear my daughter making sounds at 5:30am I often put my pillow over my head and  go back to sleep; there are days that my daughter wears just a diaper because I haven’t gotten around to doing laundry.

6.  I entirely accept motherhood and am ready to be stripped of all my “Brooke-ish” faults and be transformed into June Cleaver of Scottsdale. 

7.  Hell, I’m ready….mom defects BE GONE!! Did it work?

8.  Rather than make a list of everyone I’ve “harmed” I will save space and direct my amends to anyone who has encountered me between the times in the morning before my first cup of  coffee and in the evening  before my secondfirst glass of wine.

9.  Here is a blanket statement for all of the people who have been subjected to the wrath of an overtired, moody, mama who has traded in partying for playgroups and Prada for Pampers: “I’m sorry, but, give me a break, I’m a first time mom, I’m still adjusting”.

10.  I will continue to take an honest look at my mothering skills and admit when I do something wrong (wow, this is a real self esteem booster):

Last week I was busy with work and instead of playing with Ella, I let Nick Jr. “babysit” her for 2.5 hours (hey, its kindaeducational).
Yesterday part of my daughter’s lunch consisted of leftover english muffin that was still on her highchair tray from breakfast.

I saw my dog Rocky playing with one of her toys and rather than sanitize it, I looked the other way when I saw her playing with it the next day.

I let Ella play with my husband’s empty beer bottle AND took pictures because I think it’s funny.

11.  I pray that I have the patience and knowledge to become a really good mommy.  I also pray that my daughter does not have the ability to comprehend all the shit I talk right in front of her face because I don’t think she understands.  I also pray that her first word is not “fuck”.

12.  These steps have brought me to a Mommy Awakening.  I wouldn’t say I’m exactly proud of the mothering skills that I possess, but I am sure as hell learning by the day.  For example, I now know that if a bottle of unfinished milk rolls behind the couch and is not found for 3 weeks, it’s for sure going to smell like you are hiding a dead body. 

I guess acceptance and “giving yourself” to the “program” is the only way to succeed at this whole mommy thing. Ok, Ella.  You win, YOU are the boss.

If you want to see the rest of the article here’s the link: http://crazy-mama-drama.blogspot.com/2012/07/12-steps-of-crazy-mama-anonymous.html

3 thoughts on “12 Step Program for Mothers

  1. Being a mother is very rewarding of course, but it is full of challenges. Love this writer’s honesty. Made me laugh! We need more of this.

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